fullsoulahead.com

My dreams will be happy and joyful.

Girl+Dog+Cat+Book=Heaven

I am loved.

I am healthy, loving and wise.

God helps me know what to do.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day.

Thank you God.

Amen.

We got to the bottom of what was eating Riley yesterday. There’s this boy in her class, and he “goes too easy on her.”

You see, he’s sweet. And kind. Apparently too kind. He goes back and forth with the other girls, teasing them and they tease him back, but he “goes easy” on Riley. She fears he treats her like a baby. I’m guessing they deliberately sat him next to her because he is helpful. She is one of the youngest in her class. She does not turn ten until June, so she already fears being a baby. Plus it’s fourth grade and she’s the only one who still cries, and this makes her self-conscious. 

“Riley, would you prefer he be mean to you?”

“No.”

“Well what would you like?” I asked.

“I’d like him to be somewhere in the middle.”

No one likes to be condescended to. I understand that. I also get how many other kids on the spectrum are not experiencing peers “going easy on them.” Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a middle place, for all of them.

This week Riley made it into The 300 Club at Tae Kwon Do. She’d had her eye on the plaque for over a year. Back when she started she could not do twenty sit-ups. She’s always had low muscle tone. She could not make it through five minutes of a traditional martial arts class. The teacher had to work one on one with her. Now she’s one of the best students in her class. She tries so hard. She is focused. She never, ever slacks off. This week she did 300 sit ups. Her name will go on the plaque. She did the first 100 without anyone holding her feet. Just her on the mat.

She has another promotional exam soon and she is excited about it. Excited. Smiling!

Now she’s eyeing the 100 Club plaque for push ups. 

You go baby girl!

There is nothing you can’t do.

Yesterday I spent the evening with the Kim Stagliano. They were in Cleveland for a doctor appt. and Kim’s husband Mark was going out with a friend, so I hung out in the hotel suite with Kim and her girls. For those who don’t know Kim already, (perhaps you are new to the Internet and just stumbled upon my blog accidentally) all three of Kim’s girls have autism. That’s Mia above, and below is Gianna, holding tight to her beloved book on feelings. “Excited” is her favorite page.  

After traveling all day, the family went out to dinner and Kim barely had two bites before Gianna had a meltdown and they had to leave the restaurant. You would never know it. A short time later, I arrived and first of all, Kim looked great. Secondly she was just so loving and compassionate with her girls. Not a trace of annoyance or frazzled-ness. She tended to all three of them, preparing them for bed, getting teeth brushed, all the while holding a conversation with me. She’s a graceful mother. That’s what she is.  Bella fell asleep like this, with Kim rubbing her legs and feet as we chattered away.  

 Bella is a little doll. Same age as Riley. 

Kim and I had a wonderful conversation. We dished bio-med. We talked about the Dr. of Chinese Medicine my family is seeing. We talked about service dogs, and PANDAS and books (she has one coming out in 2010), and yes, we talked about vaccines. I’ve gotten away from the politics of autism on this blog, but I do personally believe vaccines have contributed greatly to the increase in autism. Part of me truly thinks parents are CRAZY not to be more informed about vaccines. I admit I secretly scoff at parents who are involved in the PTA, who feed their kids nutritious food, who limit the amount of TV time their precious little ones get, but who have absolutely no clue about what they are putting  into their children’s bodies in the form of immunizations. Have no clue about the politics involved and the financial conflicts of interest behind pushing through new vaccine after new vaccine. Have no clue they haven’t a snowball’s chance in hell of getting help if their child has an adverse reaction. Have no idea truly how many adverse reactions to vaccines there are!  I also secretly roll my eyes at special needs parents who swear their baby was “born that way.”  Not unless you tell me they didn’t get the mercury laden Hep B vaccine at birth (or merc filled HiB and Hep B at two months, or four months),or that you didn’t get a flu shot or Rhogham while pregnant.  And if you pass that test, I’ll ask to look in your mouth to count how many leaky silver fillings you have, and I’ll inquire about your tuna habit.

That being said, I happen to think there is a bigger spiritual issue at play concerning the autism epidemic, one we don’t quite understand and may never understand fully in this lifetime. Part of me has to admit our family is living a very LARGE experience, a direct result of having a child on the spectrum. My life has absolutely been blessed by Riley. Her autism has led the way to so much personal growth. There has been pain, but she has brought deeper joy than we ever would have experienced had she not been exactly who she is.  Dare I say autism has made us more, and not less? A few years ago that kind of talk would have pissed me off, but there it is.

Anyway, back to Kim. It was so good to see her in action. Passionate-Energizer bunny-advocate-editor-super mom-author that she is. Her girls are extraordinary. It was a lovely visit, and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to spend time with them.

When I was 15, my mom had twins. For me, it was love at first sight. I remember curling my hair and putting on make-up before I went to the hospital to see them for the first time. I wanted them to think I was pretty.

Sometimes, to this day, I will grab Riley and Seth’s hands to cross a street and say accidentally, “C’mon Donny and Timmy.” I can scarcely remember a time in my life when I wasn’t flanked by two little ones, one on each side.

I love them deeply. Always have. Always will.

Happy Birthday Donald B. Schmonald.

Happy Birthday Timmy Tembo.

Love.

Riley is having a very hard time transitioning back to school after missing two weeks for our service dog training. She is behind, behind, behind. Not in reality, but she thinks she is. She’s had meltdown after meltdown at school, one snow balling into the next. Same at home. This morning she remembered she’d forgotton to practice cello yesterday, so she tried to fit it in before school, in the middle of that tight routine. God forbid she couldn’t check “Wednesday” on her practice chart. GOD FORBID. She did okay at first but couldn’t remember where to put her fingers on the strings for a certain note. As I tried to look it up for her, she started screaming and smacking the neck of the $2000.00 cello we are renting and I lost it on her. Her anxiety won’t even give me two seconds to effing look it up. If you aren’t one step ahead at all times, you are screwed. I’m sorry I don’t know the note, and I’m sick of being screamed at.  

I ordered her out of the room, and told her to “get out of my sight.”

I know it isn’t her fault.

Off to school. Have a good day.

I want to be a good mother.

Some days, I’m just not lined up.  

Some days I could have talked her right through it. I’d have done the dance and somehow made her world okay. The whole incident would have been a tiny little moment, over and done with, instead of right here with me, in the pit of my stomach all day.

Some days I’m weary, and feel so disconnected from Source, I don’t remember the steps to the dance.