Riley is having a very hard time transitioning back to school after missing two weeks for our service dog training. She is behind, behind, behind. Not in reality, but she thinks she is. She’s had meltdown after meltdown at school, one snow balling into the next. Same at home. This morning she remembered she’d forgotton to practice cello yesterday, so she tried to fit it in before school, in the middle of that tight routine. God forbid she couldn’t check “Wednesday” on her practice chart. GOD FORBID. She did okay at first but couldn’t remember where to put her fingers on the strings for a certain note. As I tried to look it up for her, she started screaming and smacking the neck of the $2000.00 cello we are renting and I lost it on her. Her anxiety won’t even give me two seconds to effing look it up. If you aren’t one step ahead at all times, you are screwed. I’m sorry I don’t know the note, and I’m sick of being screamed at.
I ordered her out of the room, and told her to “get out of my sight.”
I know it isn’t her fault.
Off to school. Have a good day.
I want to be a good mother.
Some days, I’m just not lined up.
Some days I could have talked her right through it. I’d have done the dance and somehow made her world okay. The whole incident would have been a tiny little moment, over and done with, instead of right here with me, in the pit of my stomach all day.
Some days I’m weary, and feel so disconnected from Source, I don’t remember the steps to the dance.
This post is what is so awesome about you. I really respect that you share your imperfections along with some of the greatest mothering.
It’s real.
“not lined up” Just the other day I was thinking how great it is when everything aligns.
I try to look at those days, when I’m not lined up, as training ground for Charlotte’s future. The reality is, not everyone is going to handle everything as wonderfully as Mom does (most of the time). I also deal with it, in my head, by saying to myself that it’s good that Charlotte sees me “screw up” and then come back and deal with it. It’s just all part of life. Living.
I appreciate how honest you are.
Yeah, it’s exhausting being a hostage negotiator all of the time. Sometimes you freak out because anxiety should just shut the f up and give you back your child. Love you and sending a hug.
I’m grateful for your honesty. It helps me feel better about the days when I lose it (which seems to be a lot lately). But it’s as you say – better days ahead. Hugs.
Oof. The steps will come back; we’re all doing a freaking dance marathon here with our kids. Of course we’re going to stumble and lose it whether out of frustration or exhaustion. As the others have already said, it’s a good thing for our children to see that not everyone is going to make it all better for them and we are not perfect.
Raising a glass to toast your magnificence and your humanity. Even when you forget the steps. xo
You are a fantastic Mom, and you are human just like the rest of us. We can not always remember all the steps to the dance. As the others have said, we all have these moments.
Hugs
We all have our days. Deep breath. It’s ok to walk away.
I agree with all these wise words before me. You are a wonderful mom. But everyone– EVERYONE– has these moments. I feel for you, because I hear your pain so much, because I feel like this so often. I want to ALWAYS choose to say and do the right things…but. Yeah. Not so much. BUT at least you (and I) bother to try to be in the dance, sister! You do so much more than so many. You do not parent by accident. So please give yourself a little break.
🙂 LOVE
I try to think of moments like that (because I have a ton of them) as a barometer with which to measure the more successful moments in my parenting career. And you, my friend, have a ton of those too. xoxo
When you can’t remember the steps, you have to give yourself an effin minute to look them up too!
When mine were babies and they just wouldn’t be comforted by ANYTHING I would put them safely in their cot and step outside the room. Things have moved on but I’m still stepping out the room….it’s at times like this Meg comes into her own. Four-legged love and a cup of green tea does the trick for me.
you are allowed to get upset, I’d be more worried if you didn’t.
the alternative is to never feel upset, react…so, that’s a nice thought but not an option. there’s gotta be room for your feelings, even when they’re unpleasant. on the one hand, you’re human. on the other hand, you’re by far one of the better humans. kim: in the top ten. this has been scientifically verified.
Be kind to yourself. We’ve all had moments and days like this.
Honey, don’t forget to take a time out for YOURSELF.
Talk it out later.
I’m sure that there’s not one of us who hasn’t lost it sometimes. I expect we’re all just grateful it isn’t more often, or maybe that’s just me.
Doesn’t Riley have perfect pitch? The good thing about the cello is that if you don’t get the note on the first try, you can slightly move your finger around to get it on the second or third try.
But I guess that is not something one would think to try if one was in a tense or nervous mood.
Another thing that a violin teacher of mine once told me is that sometimes you can get more benefits out of a longer practise session on some days. Like if you normally practise for 15 minutes per day and then you miss a day you can always practise for 30 minutes the day after. (He also said that once every very so often you should practise for 3 or 4 or 6 hours just to get used to playing for long periods of time. Riley’s probably a bit young for that, though.)
You are certainly an inspiring person, even on your bad days. Hopefully things are on the upswing over at the FullSoul household.
Mustn’t hate the contrast.
I learned that from a wise and loving woman, a writer brave enough to show all sides of herself and a mother making up the steps to a complicated song with a driving bass and syncopated beat.
To quote her one more time:
“Wherever you are, God is, and all is well.”
Source is still there even when we can’t feel it and feel disconnected. You are my human, Michelle.
Some days, we just don’t have the tools at our fingertips or the capacity for endless caretaking. And, as much as you’ve given her, you can’t always be expected to solve all her crisies. You do the best you can do, even when it is less than patient and less than tolerant. You are just as Human as she is.
Give yourself a break, hug the Jingle baby, and trust you will reconnect later.
Love to you.
Oh really? Well, you’re the only one. The rest of us have it ALL figured out at all times.
(Hope this made you smile – that was what I was going for.)
love.
I am with Carrie, we are kicking back, drinking beer and toasting our own awesomeness. You may join us at anytime for you are just as awesome.
I still remember stuff I said 10 years ago, when we were going thru our worst hell, and I feel terrible. But we’re all doing fine. I wonder if my terrible words will be remembered, but when we met with the special ed dean at the local community college a few years ago, he spoke with our son alone and then met with us, and he said “I understand you all went through some tough times” and I realized that my son realized he made things tough and I wasn’t just a crazy mom.
Love.
I’ve never met you Michelle, yet hand on heart I can say that you’re one of a handful of my favourite mothers in the whole wide world. As I’ve mentioned to you before, IF I had chosen to have children I would have wished that I mothered as you do/have.