Things have felt a little too serious around here lately.
Francis needs to lighten up.
I’m going to go work on my monkey impression, do some singin’ and figure out how to work my computer. TTYL
Things have felt a little too serious around here lately.
Francis needs to lighten up.
I’m going to go work on my monkey impression, do some singin’ and figure out how to work my computer. TTYL
Riley was 15 months old when 9/11 happened. As a result of those horrible events, I decided I didn’t want to bring another child into this scary world.
Seth came anyway.
Ten years already. The sky was so blue. We lived in the Chicago suburbs. I’d been out walking the baby in the stroller accompanied by a friend and her dog. People came running out of their houses,“Did you hear?” We quickened our pace, anxious to get home. I was so terrified. Alone all day with the damn TV, hugging my baby. Afraid to turn it off thinking something else might be happening, feeling I had to stay informed. Wanting to keep her safe. Todd worked all day and didn’t get home ’til 10:00PM. He had clients in from out of town and took them out to dinner per protocol. I thought dinner could be skipped, just this once. Selfish of me to be so mad, when so many never came home that day. But I was frantic. I was livid.
What did my Riley take in that day? Little ones absorb so much. Did she understand what was happening with all those images on TV? Did she feel my anxiety? Of course she did.
A few days later a Pakastani woman wailed on our door. Intuitively, I knew it was her, our neighbor across the street. Her husband no doubt taking a lot of heat, and taking it out on her. I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to open it until we’d dialed 911, but there was no time to discuss, and Todd flung the door open despite my gesture to wait. Wait ’til I get the phone! She barreled into the house looking like a wild animal. He’d tried to choke her. I’d never seen fear like the fear in her eyes, and my knees went weak. It felt like her husband might any second be busting in the door right after her, and what would happen to my baby if he killed all of us?
It took me a long time to forgive Todd for not coming home ’til 10:00PM. It took me a long time to forgive him for opening the door that night, before I had the phone.
There is a certain kind of day. Where the sky is the bluest blue. And there is a slight hint of crisp in the air, barely there. And there is a glorious breeze. And there is not a cloud in the sky. And in my mind those are “9/11” days. And calling them 9/11 days doesn’t ruin them for me. It makes me value them. It makes me remember. It makes me reverent. It makes me appreciate my life and want to live it more fully.
One week before the first anniversary of 9/11, Seth O’Neil was born.
My own personal proof that fear and anger and hate didn’t win.
There are people in our life who think we’re too “out there.” With our organic, chemical free food. Our homeschooling. Our limited TV time. Our lack of the latest technological doo-dads. Our old cars. Our second generation smells like dog pink couch (gonna replace it one of these days, I swear). Our recycling. Our shopping at Whole Foods.
There are other people in our life who think we’re too “in there.” With Seth’s extensive Lego collection, (consumers, we are), our “tutors,” our spending money on summer camp and bouncy castles, our shopping at Whole Foods (what, you don’t grow all your own food)? Our using paper bags instead of bringing reusable ones each time, and letting the occasional recyclable container go because I’m too tired or lazy to clean it out.
It might be easier if we were hard core either way. Full throttle consumerism or full throttle counter-culture. Oh what I wouldn’t give to pick one and be right! I used to be a right person. I had my opinions and they were “right.” End of story.
But “right” is just an illusion.
What I really want is to be a woman who is amused, rather than upset by other peoples’ judgements about her life. When I can pull that off consistently, I’ll be happy.
When I can stop judging others, and stop judging others for judging me, I’ll know I’ve truly arrived.
Until then, at least everyone can agree on our wrongness about Whole Foods.
I’ll be the one with too many products in the express lane, and I’ll be amused.
At nine, he’s Lego and Harry Potter and Indiana Jones and MJ moves.
He’s more generous and patient than I’ll ever be.
He’s never been cruel, not a second in his life.
He always holds the door open for people, touching the hearts of strangers wherever we go.
He’s not into sports, but will wear a Yankee’s shirt, for his dad.
He’s a great dancer.
He has his own fedorable style.
He had a birthday over the weekend.
I can still pick him up.
I can still pin him down for tickling.
He still thinks I’m pretty cool.
I begged him all year not to turn nine, but he didn’t listen.
For now, he’s promised to give me piggy backs when I can no longer lift him.
It’s something.
It’s what I’m clinging to.
Many of you know Lydia, of the blog Autistic Speaks. Lydia is a young woman with autism and she has a new book out, full of wonderful information for parents of kids on the spectrum. It isn’t a how-to, but more of a “this is what goes on inside me, and maybe it will help you relate better to your own child if you understand.” But it isn’t just for parents. Anyone wanting to better understand people with autism would enjoy this very engaging book.
Lydia is in the process of fund raising for a service dog of her very own (his name is Blue and he’s a looker). The proceeds from Living in Technicolor will go toward bringing Blue home to her.
To purchase Lydia’s book in paperback or e-book form, click here.

Riley steps out of the shower and I put the towel around her, draping it over the top of her head so just her face peeks out. I pat her dry a bit then hold her by the shoulders and stare into her eyes.
Somehow in this mundane moment, I am overcome. I love her so much. I remember her little face peeking out of the towel when she was a baby. Those same huge, innocent eyes. She smiles at me.
“Riley…when you look into my eyes, what do you see?”
I want her to remember it. This feeling of her mom looking into her eyes and loving her. I want it in her bones. In every cell of her body. She’s growing up on me. I want her to remember this, if nothing else from her childhood. Her mother’s eyes full of love for her.
She looks at me thoughtfully, and replies, “sockets.”
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you might remember my role model, Ms. Ginger. I wrote about her here, and here. I’m writing about her again over at Hopeful Parents today.
Love.
We’ve just discovered our deck. This sounds ridiculous, we’ve lived here for over three years, and have hardly ever spent time on our deck. For one thing, it was ugly. But this summer, Todd threw a couple coats of sealer on it, and it looks so much better. And then we got new windows.
You see, there is not a door which leads directly to our deck. You have to go out a side door, and around, and well….apparently that was just too much energy for me to expend before. Sad, yes. But with new windows, I can easily open the kitchen window (couldn’t do that before), creating a pass through, where I can hand cups and plates and we are enjoying eating outside on these beautiful end of summer evenings.
One night recently, I’d poured glasses of water, and asked Riley to help me get them outside before dinner. I said, “You can pass it through the window.” She smiled, and then started going out the side door with two glasses.
“No, Riley…you can pass them through the window.”
She paused and headed toward the door.
“Riley…look, we can put it through the window. Dad’s standing there waiting for you to hand the glasses to him.”
“Oh! I thought it was just an expression,” she said.
And it occurred to me, if you don’t understand expressions, anything could be an expression.
And it occurred to me just how brave my little girl is, as she navigates this confusing world.
I have a feeling a lot of kids are going to love this.
Why yes! My children did watch ET for the first time recently. How did you know?
This is actually the first time Seth has commissioned me to write a blog post. I have not figured out what my fee will be, but he’s gonna pay.
‘Cause I for one, have way more important things to do than sit around taking pictures of Chihuahuas all day. I don’t even like Chihuahuas.
Not even a little.
They’re not even cute.
The boy is lucky his mama has mad editing skilz. Looky here how I got rid of Yippe’s little red eye problem below. Voila!
I think Seth owes me about 100 kisses.
Yesteday, we attended a child’s birthday party at a local public pool. There was a boy at the pool, (not part of the party), a teen, who flapped his hands, walked on his toes, and squealed a lot. In the water, he was happy.
Also in the pool, were two men, maybe in their late sixties. They were walking in the water, having a conversation. Getting their exercise while they got their chat on.
At one point, the boy, in his joy, dove into the water, right between them, making a big splash.
One of the men got in the boy’s face and shouted, as he wiped his glasses, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHY WOULD YOU JUMP RIGHT IN BETWEEN US LIKE THAT?”
The boy looked at him, clearly confused, cowering slightly, then went on his way, swimming away from them like a fish.
I wanted to yell at the man, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see he has autism?” But the moment was over, and I wasn’t 100% sure, and anyway….
—-
Today I was at Whole Foods. I had a small cart full. At the checkout an employee came over and said, “I know you’re over the limit, but I’ll take you in the express line. We’re a little short staffed today so I want to help out the other cashier.”
As she scanned my pile of items, a mother/teen daughter duo approached from behind. They were obviously in a hurry. Both proceeded to glare at me and sigh, my haul clearly over the limit.
I decided rather than reacting or apologizing or explaining, to merely allow myself to be misunderstood. Sometimes it just isn’t worth the energy.
There is a lesson in A Course in Miracles which says, “I do not know what I’m looking at, so I must not judge what I see.”
These are two examples from the last 24 hours in my life which brought that message home for me. I hope to remember them, the next time I am quick to judge.
So we haven’t really talked about my 25th high school reunion, have we?
Well. It was interesting. It felt like walking into a time warp. All of these people, most of whom I had not even thought about for many, many years, are alive and well…going about their lives. We all wake up and put one foot in front of the other, every day.
Some looked fantastic. Some looked like they’d fallen on hard times. Some seemed more wonderfully themselves, really in a great place. Some were obnoxious, in that mean drunk kind of way.
Every spouse of a classmate I talked with was awesome. Our class sure married well!
I wasn’t sure where the reunion was going to be held. I didn’t recognize the name of the restaurant, and didn’t bother looking into it. A week before, I bought a summer dress, on clearance. Not super dressy. It was white eyelet. Simple. We got to the restaurant early to meet our friends Michelle and Cris and catch up a little before the party officially got started. Inside the bar, I got the nice wine goblet you see in the photo above. It turned out, the party was outside, and very casual. At the right time, we ventured outdoors, where wine was served in plastic cups, and my glass was coveted by many. Seriously. People kept mentioning it. I felt just a smidge over dressed, but not horribly so. Of course my goblet made me extra fancy.
There was one guy who looked exactly the same, and for some reason I could not figure out who he was. Once someone told me it was like, oh, of course! There was a lot of standing around, whispering, figuring out “Who is that?” Then we’d figure it out, and go over and say hello.
Food was buffet style. Todd and I got plates and as we sat down to eat, I saw out of the corner of my eye at the next table, a woman I’d always thought of fondly point in our direction and say, Is that Michelle H?” As those at her table nodded, she said, thinking I couldn’t hear her…“What’s with the dress?”
And you know what? I had been feeling a little insecure about the dress. I mean, I loved the dress, but was the dress too much? Only one other person was wearing a dress (and she was rocking it btw).
Perhaps my fancy wine glass filled her with fury and she just had to take me out verbally? It’s difficult to say.
Anyway…her snide remark freed me of all insecurities. What was the worst thing that could happen? Someone like that, would say something like that.
So what?
Should I apologize for trying to look nice for my 25th high school reunion? I don’t think so. Got my hair highlighted too. And after two years, I’m done with Invisalign. By our 3oth, I plan on looking even better. Maybe some yoga and pilates in my future? You never know. It could happen.
Cue the inspirational music and play the Marianne Williamson quote which is always falsely attributed to Nelson Mandela:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you….” Yada yada.
Who am I to wear a cute dress?
Who am I to have a fancy goblet? LOL.
I love that quote. And I really, really feel in my heart it is true, and if we all knew who we really were, we’d never ever say anything hurtful about anyone else, it just wouldn’t be possible. One day we’re all gonna get there.
Love.
After a long, anxiety filled week (due to my book’s release on Amazon) it was nice to spend the evening watching the sunset over Lake Erie at my friend Kathy’s.
Gearing up to go over, gathering the kids I honestly felt just too darn tired to do it. But after about ten minutes by the water, the fatigue melted away. The sound of the waves. The air. And of course the good company, soon had me feeling renewed.
Kathy’s friend’s dog had fun retrieving sticks.
The kids had fun too.
I came home with more energy than I left with.
Nature never fails.
Thanks Kathy! Have a beautiful weekend, everyone!
Love.
The header above is a note Seth left for his dad before we went on our road trip to Wisconsin. Usually, if I’m leaving on a trip, I leave notes where I think Todd will find them, but this time I suggested the kids do it while I finished packing the van. They LOVED it (and it kept them out of my hair in those frantic last minute trying to get out the door moments). Win-win.
Just got in last night from a weekend in upstate NY for my high school 25th reunion. It was a very surreal experience, but overall a positive one. Will write more about it as I am inspired to, probably after I am caught up with laundry. I think I will have new business cards made with the title “Laundress” as profession. It would be accurate.
Kids were awesome travelers. And the dogs…this was Yippee’s first road trip, they were great. He didn’t chew anything he wasn’t supposed to and did not pee on my MIL’s carpet, so we are pleased.
And we love it.
And we appreciate this good life. These good kids. These good dogs. The good husband who was off to work at 6AM. The good coffee in my cup. My good computer. My good washing machine. The flowers in my bed that bloomed while we were away. The overcast sky making it cool. The stuff in my garden coming up (I thought it was dead, but no). The cats who took care of themselves while we were away. The easy drive with no traffic. The easy access to good organic food here in Cleveland. The people we saw over the weekend. The thought that they are all out there, having their own human experience, separate from mine. There they are 25 years later. I feel such affection for them. For the human-ness of us all.
Anyway…gotta run. Lots to accomplish. That laundry ain’t gonna do itself. And no one is going to drink my coffee for me.
Have a beautiful day.
Love.