Who Do I Think I Am?

Last week the living room went from garish yellow to cappuccino. I like.

Today The Maids came. My sister bought me a gift certificate almost a year ago and I never used it ’til now. And only now because they called and said it would expire soon. And I knew I’d catch hell if I let that happen. And I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, because I’m not.

You see….I dream of having a cleaning service. I wish for it all the time. But there is always a reason not to. Money. That’s the big one of course. I never could justify it.

But wait, there’s more.

Today when The Maids arrived, I cringed at their big yellow car with its big advertisement parked in my driveway.

The neighbors will think I’m too lazy to clean my own house.
The neighbors will think we’re loaded.
The neighbors will judge me, I mean, I’m not even employed outside the home.
The neighbors will think, the neighbors will think, the neighbors will think.

Ludacris, I know, but there it was.

A team of four piled into the house and immediately set to work. One in the bathroom. One in the kitchen. One upstairs, one downstairs. They were hell on wheels. Two hours, four people scrubbing my house spic and span.

The maids are probably disgusted with my house.
The maids have probably never seen so much dust on a ceiling fan.
The maids probably resent having to scrub someone else’s toilets and floors.


I hid in our bedroom with the kids and the dogs, frantically e-mailing HT and my friend Betsy for pep talks. They delivered. ((LOVE)).

Yesterday, I spent a considerable amount of time, removing clutter from dresser tops, the dining room table, etc., boxing it up and putting it in the basement or my office so The Maids even could clean.

How am I constantly de-cluttering and still always finding more stuff piling up? Actually I recently figured out using the term “de-cluttering” is part of it. The energy behind the word is “anti.” I need a new word. I am not de-cluttering, I’m creating space. I’m organizing. I’m beautifying.

Anyway…this whole experience of having The Maids here was very eye opening. Very ridiculously stressful. Very shining a light on unhealed aspects of myself and saying, “Yoo-hoo? You ready to deal with this? Is now a good time?”

Before answering the question, I ran to the kitchen cabinet and ate four cookies. I knew I was emotionally eating. I knew. But you know what? It’s okay. I’ve done a lot worse than four cookies, and there was awareness, even as I dunked those babies in my coffee.

This isn’t about the neighbors. This isn’t about the maids. This isn’t even about money.

The issue is worthiness. It always is.

Who am I to have a good life?

Who am I to have help?

Who am I to ask for and/or receive support?

Who do I think I am?

Sitting here in my nice clean house, I am thankful.

One more layer peeled off.

Thankful to have this experience.

Thankful to have the luxury, the time and space to think about my response to these questions.

14 thoughts on “Who Do I Think I Am?

  1. Oh what a treat and a joy! A whole clean house and you didn’t have to ignore the family for fortnight to do it – the fortnight thing is just going on my own references….no offence!

    If it helps you come to a decision, here’s what I think. I think you’re a good person doing her best for her family in a very difficult situation. You are kind enough to share your experiences with us along the way which is how come I know how brave fearless and courageous you are.

    and another thing, blow the neighbours! They’re just wish they had a Kelli.

  2. At church last week, in response to my compliment, a gorgeous older woman looked me straight in the eye and said, “Honey, I look just as good as a child of God should.”

    Feel that good, Michelle. Reach deep into your soul and feel who you are. And then feel just as good as a beloved child of God should.

  3. I love the new color of your living room. It is so peaceful and relaxing. You are awesome, amazing, and SOOOO deserving of all that is good and wonderful. Just continue to keep peeling away the generational and culltural values and inuendo’s that have been handed down over the centuries. You are so blessed to be able to see, feel, and express what so many have down in their beings. Love and hugs.

  4. The living room looks fabulous! Here’s my mental exercise for accepting help and not feeling guilty/unworthy about it (not that you are or should be!). If it is truly better to give than receive, then by accepting someone else’s graciousness, I am allowing them that joy and sense of satisfaction. Try it! BTW – you are worthy.

  5. Ditto everyone above me… but for me… your posts are so honest… first… the color… I love it… personally?… I think you will get over the “embarrassment” of having someone clean for you… the other thing…(I think)… admitting the issue is half the battle. I mean, unless things are brought to the light, we don’t know what’s going on in us.. and you not only say the truth, but you say it to the whole world…. which, in my opinion, is so courageous….You deserve it MERRY MAIDS for sure….!!!!!!

  6. As your neighbor, I was happy for you!
    I love the day the cleaning lady comes, even if it means I compulsively cleaned the house myself before her arrival (lest she judge).
    We don’t do it often, but it keeps our marriage in a safer zone–we split the cost because then we never argue about who has to do it (and it wouldn’t get done).
    Enjoy the order out of chaos! Revel in it.
    Your neighbor does not judge.

  7. Thank you Heidi! It’s not really about the neighbors anyway…but I appreciate your show of support!

  8. Miss Michelle, thank you for the confession on emotional eating. I do it too, I look for the chocolate. In moments of stress or the ol life spiraling out of my control, which you get 100%, that’s what I do. And I have a cleaning service. I can’t do it all. I just can’t. And its ok. They need me, and I need them. A huge luxury, but I need it.
    And you are worth it.

  9. Michelle – your living room is beautiful! My favorite part is the dog hanging out on the couch! I recently hired a cleaning lady. It has had such an positive impact for my marriage and my mental/physical health! I am 7 months pregnant and hardly have the energy to get a shower (and can’t hire somebody for that job!). But for me the best part is knowing that I am employing/empowering a stay-at-home mom. She cleans around her kid’s schedules and is so happy to work for herself. She is wired to her ipod and works her way through my house.
    I am so happy that you are blogging again. Your posts inspire me and help me find my own strength to get through some crazy situations. Love to you and your sweet family.