What would your life be like if you knew, really knew God loved you as much as everybody else?
This was a question (paraphrased) posed by Hans Christian King, one of the speakers at the conference I just attended. Hans had an amazing presence. People asked him questions, and he countered their inquiries with so much love…some of them squirmed, and tried to kind of move away from it. Not physically, but they’d start rambling or jump to a new question and he would interrupt them and bring them back, and force them to really be in the love,
“Wait a minute,” he’d say. “I’m loving you.”
(I’m pretty sure this is the first “yowza” I’ve used in all the years of my blog).
It was really powerful. Most of us are uncomfortable with that kind of full out loving attention. Plus there were about a thousand people in the room, more reason to squirm.
So, yowza. I just remembered there was a dance party Sat. and there was some disco going on and some “Freaking OUT!” and some “YOWZA, YOWZA, YOWZA” which put the fun word in my brain. I love brains. They are so fun, and mysterious, how they work.
At the dance party Sat. I saw Hans standing on the wall. Everyone was dancing. Ricky Byers was playing some mo-town music,
“We’re having a party. Everybody’s singing. Listnin’ to the music, on the radio….”
In my joy I bopped over to Hans and asked him if he wanted to dance. He kindly said, no, and reminded me of his bum leg. Standing along the wall, I put my arm around him and did a little bopping, and he politely excused himself. SMACKDOWN! The whole exchange took about 30 seconds. I walked away feeling ashamed and began berating myself.
I shouldn’t have done that.
He was having a good time, and probably has had hundreds of conference participants globbing onto him. He’s probably tired of it.
Wasn’t he using some kind of cane the other day? How thoughtless of me to ask him to dance!
I pushed it aside, and continued dancing and having fun…but deep in the back of my mind, or maybe not too far back at all….the self-criticism remained.
After the party, alone in my room…my ego came back full force. But I was at a conference about unconditional love. That’s what Agape means. I stood in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said,
“Is that the best you’ve got ego? Is that the worst thing I’ve done lately? Then I’m doing pretty damn well aren’t I?”
And just like any bully, my ego slunk away when called out on the table.
I refuse to be mean to myself anymore.
God loves me as much as anyone else.