Our dining room table is perpetually covered in Lego. There is also a table in Seth’s room, and they often overflow the table and creep across his floor. There are several storage bins but the Lego can’t seem to stay in them. It is the only present he wants for Christmas, birthday, etc. Any gift card he receives, or money from his grandparents goes toward buying more Lego.
Several months back, he was having a really hard time sleeping at night. We think it is part of PANS/PANDAS because he’d never had a problem before, and it was tied to great anxiety. We had compassion for him. But we wanted him to go to sleep. Both because his tics are so much worse when he is tired, and also because at the end of a long day….Todd and I need to relax. We need to reconnect. We might need to have a gluten free pizza. Or popcorn. We need non-kid time. No offense to any kids of mine who might be reading this, but it’s true. Couples need couple time.
The only thing worse than having a kid you’ve already tucked in come out several times, is sending him to bed fed up with him. Especially when he is afraid and can’t help it.
So we came up with a plan.
“Seth we know this fear isn’t really you, it’s PANDAS playing tricks with you, but we want to trick it back. We want to see how powerful your mind is. So when you think fearful thoughts, we want you to think of a Lego mini-figure. See if you can harness your thoughts by thinking of something you love. And if you do this for a whole week, you will get a real mini-figure.”
He is always welcome to come out if he truly needs to, and we promise we will not be upset with him. We agree to come check on him every 16 minutes, until he is asleep, and usually he’s asleep by the second check.
The boy has not come out once after being tucked in, since August. On Wednesdays, he goes to what is now “the mini-figure drawer” in the kitchen, and takes out what’s due him. Some look at it as a bribe, but I don’t. I think he’s learned he can get through a fear. And yes, he’s milking it. He could totally do it without the mini-figure at this point, but what’s it hurting? Call it what you want but for three bucks a week, it is worth it to us. The kid is an angel and never asks for a thing. I can live with giving him a weekly mini-figure.
We’ve had to move to bigger measures for his fear of fire drills and lock down drills at school. Using the same concept, we are now keeping a ten dollar Lego on hand (it sits in the china cabinet, where he can see it through the glass). He knows if there is a drill at school, when he gets home that day….the coveted Lego in the cabinet will be all his. Whereas before he was completely terrified, he now has a positive association with the drills. He hears the drill, his body reacts in fear, but a second later, he’s thinking about the Lego. It’s working. I am even able to joke with him on the way to school saying, “I sure hope there is a drill today!” And he grins, knowing the Lego is home awaiting him.
I spoke with the therapist we took him to about all of this, to make sure we weren’t inadvertently screwing him up, and she said no. It is classic conditioning. She thought it was good. One day he will not need a Lego. One day he will connect the dots and know it is not the Lego helping him, but his thoughts about the Lego. But for now, it’s getting him through. One set of fears at a time.
Something about your strategy rings a bell…… 😉
I love the rational way you approach these things, teaching your babes that they can control and redirect themselves. These are lessons for a lifetime.
beautiful
(and I think Seth and Oscar would bond very very quickly over the LEGO)
We did a similar thing when my daughter pulled her hair out because of anxiety. Creating positive associations rather than reinforcing negative is good. Now she is older (12) we are able to talk about these associations but I do sometimes buy her a treat (not a reward because she doesn’t know in advance) to keep the positivity going.
It sounds ingenious. And the rest sounds difficult — so difficult. You are really educating me about PANDAS, and I always admire your persistence and rational approach to these obviously torturous things —
So smart. Both you and Seth. 🙂
This actually made me tear up. BECAUSE OF THE AWESOMENESS OF YOUR PARENTING. Bribing? TFBS! That is, as Wil says, “A Bill Brill” which means ingenious. YAMH. NECBM of your parenting. Truly.
I love your compassion, creativity and LOVE:)
This came at the perfect time–the very day I read it we came up with a plan for our daughter to move past “needing” her binky, not being able to find it in bed, calling out to us in the middle of the night to look for it–she has sensory issues and we’ve let her keep it longer then perhaps we “should” have. The goal is to transition her to a chewy suggested by OTs and she’ll use one but she has developed anxieties about not having her beloved binky. We used Hot Wheels cars as her thing to think about and have waiting for her in the morning if she has not called out to us all night–it’s worked well!
The funny thing I wanted to tell you was how we bought a pack of 7 cars that she chose and her sister said “what happens when you run out of cars?”. Her sweet preschool reply? “you can always just use the cars I already have–I have a lot!” 🙂
I think it’s brilliant.
And, there is this really cool pin I saw,with this great idea for holding and showing off mini figure collections on a wall… I’ll find it for you! I was going o do it for Wyatt.
See? When G marries Seth, she will be used to the Lego thing. 😉
🙂
Dear Michelle, you and your husband are such intuitive and compassionate parents. I am always in admiration of how you help your children deal with their fears. This posting is a perfect example of that.
I’m wondering what’s happening with the cat?????? Peace.
Awesome. I love that you do this, that it works. And I think that Seth and Nigel are total soul brothers with the Lego love. xo
THIS is why I keep coming back – ROCK on sister mama!!