Right this moment, I am fine. I keep telling myself that.
Today was a rough day. I have been slaving in my too small kitchen for a month, making every morsel for my family from scratch. It’s been hot. We have no A/C.
Riley has a hard time getting dressed. She gets distracted by the cat, and by toys in her room. She freezes deciding which outfit to wear. There’s face washing and hair brushing and finding the right barrette. She doesn’t want help. She doesn’t want to be treated “like a baby.” But she takes anywhere from 45 minute to two hours to get dressed. And I’ve got places to go. Errands to run. Things to take care of.
I made her a hot lunch today, only to watch it congeal as she took forever, once again, not dressed by noon. I could feel myself getting so pissed as I marched upstairs toward her room. And on the heels of my anger came a voice that said, “Pre-pave. Pre-pave. Pre-pave.” It is an Abraham-Hicks exercise, where you set up your intention before entering any given situation.
I can’t say that I took the time to truly pre-pave. I kept walking toward her room, but the follow-up thought, “think about what you want” came to me as I touched the knob to open her door. It helped.
Gently noting in my mind that I had some control over how this all played out allowed me to be non-reactive even when Riley completely lost her cool with me.
So. A victory.
It’s rare anymore, but it really does shake me up when she has a meltdown. It makes me fear she hasn’t come very far, and maybe it’s just that we ask so little of her. I know it isn’t true, but the fear comes up.
I am tired. I feel like I’ve had my feet tied together trying to run a marathon. I constantly compare myself and come up short against others who do not have the challenges I have. Whose kids do not take two hours and a meltdown to get dressed. Why could I not promote my book more? Why have I not gotten very far on a second one? Why have I barely written at all lately? How did I let my nursing license lapse? Why have I not studied more and re-taken my nursing boards? Why have I not had a true paycheck in ten years? Why do I have 15 pounds to lose? Why is my house always a wreck? Why am I not content?
Should I just be able to find contentment in what I have and what I am doing? Swallow hard and count my blessings? If so, how? ‘Cause I think I’ve done a lot of “inner work” and I still feel sad and miserable.
Not all the time, no. Tomorrow I will feel much better I am sure. A new day will dawn. I will laugh. I will be grateful for this life.
It’s just, sometimes….it sucks.
I’m out on our back deck now. The trees are lit up from the west, some leaves are bright green, some are shadows. The birds are singing. Our neighbor’s koi pond makes it’s music. It has finally cooled off.
My sweet husband is washing out the garbage can in the back yard. Cleaning up dog poop. Taking care of crap I never have to. Soon he’ll go in and supervise bedtime routine for the kids. He knows when I need to back off and he steps right in. Words aren’t even necessary, but they are welcome. Tears are welcome too. He sent me out to the deck with my computer and a choice of water or wine. I picked water.
The kids are signed up for day camp this summer. And Riley. After two and a half years of homeschool, my Riley will be going to school in the fall. A school for kids with learning differences. She’s so excited.
And praise God from whom all blessings flow, it is a school that requires her to wear a uniform.
Thinking about the uniform, with her typical void of false modestly she beamed and said confidently, “I’m going to look super cute!”
She will. I’m sure of it.