Today I watched a DVD of a talk by Brene’ Brown, titled The Hustle for Worthiness. It made me think about some things. So often, home with kids more by default, not necessarily by choice(at least at first), I feel like I should be doing more. Doing something “important,” or at least more impressive. It’s not enough to be raising two children, homeschooling them, dealing with a multitude of special needs issues, etc. I should also be an author (a best selling one, of course). I should be an uber blogger. I should be making lots of money. My house should also be perfectly decorated, and always clean and tidy. My body should be perfect too. No fat. No sag. Toned, baby. And I should always be loving and calm with all children, pets and others who cross my path.
Would I feel worthy then? And worthy of what? Validation from those on the outside looking in? Because the people on the inside don’t care.
Why do I ever, even for a second, take time and energy away from my precious ones, …to ruminate about what I should be when I’m already enough to those who actually love me.
So let me let you in on a little secret. My house is a freaking mess. Every room has its share of mess. I will never be able to stay on top of it, and I often give up. I found cat poop in the basement yesterday, and I looked the other way…because I did not have a drop of energy left to deal with it. HT cleaned it up this morning. Bless his heart.
Here’s another one. I have wonderful ideas about decorating, but do not have the funds to do so, and I am sometimes embarrassed about my house, and want to qualify for guests (or photos on the blog) this is not my wallpaper, I plan on changing this paint color, it was like this when we bought it…going to replace it someday, and on and on. So many blogs are so pretty. Everyone’s houses are so cute. Cept’ mine. Oh the shame.
Then there’s this….I still can’t figure out what to do about Seth. He’s got a huge flare of tics going on, and I worry he’s not getting the help he needs because he isn’t a squeaky wheel. I lose sleep over this. Something isn’t right. I feel so overwhelmed so much of the time dealing with the complexities of my childrens’ health issues.
What if I just put these feelings out there, and love myself though them? I am after all, a mom who will decorate her face with a Crayola Washable marker at lunch, just to see her kids smile. I do lots of other good stuff too but I’m not going to list them; not going to “hustle for worthiness” today.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.
Let it be.