Since I talked with the campers last week, Riley has been jumping out of bed, getting dressed (in fly outfits, complete with accessories) with zero prodding, and she’s raring to go each morning. She is having a great time. Being understood is a good thing.
At church yesterday, she went and got herself a reiki treatment. There are practitioners in the back offering rieki during each service. She says she finds it “relaxing.”
During the meditation, they turn out the lights and put on a star machine. It’s a projector, that makes the whole room look twinkley, sometimes you’ll spot a shooting star. The kids LOVE it. The adults do too. Something about the stars floating all over the room provides instant calm. I tend to close my eyes during meditation, but the kids watch the stars, always.
Anyway…after the service Riley decided she wanted to spend all her birthday money, and it would take all her birthday money, to buy a star machine of her own for her room.
Lolly asked about Law of Attraction in the comments yesterday. Off the top of my head, re: Riley’s running away as of late…let me take a look. Her running has been for different reasons each time. At the Botanical Gardens it was an overactive imagination causing her to scare herself. If I think about where my mind went when I couldn’t find her, you can see perhaps my own overactive imagination was going full throttle.
At the beach, she was worried she wouldn’t fit in. Worried people would think she looked foolish without a bathing suit on. Worried about drawing negative attention to herself. The first thing that comes to mind from my own inner world is the singing. Yesterday our chorus had our listening party, where we played the CD from the recent concert, and as my solo came up, it was just as painful for me to hear it as it had been to stand there and sing it. I actually hid my face. Now…do you think these women gave a rip about my ten second solo? Were they all pointing fingers and whispering how much it sucked? Probably about as much as the people on the beach cared Riley was in shorts and t-shirt, and not a swimsuit.
In the third scare, Riley ran ahead, because she wanted to be the first one back to the park area where we started. She thought she knew where she was going, she saw a structure that looked similar to where we began and headed that way. She wanted to be proud. Kind of like when Todd and I both leave in separate cars heading to the same place, (maybe we have separate places to go afterward), and I want to get there first. It’s fun. Maybe if I take this side street, I can miss that light and beat him. Riley has some physical challenges, (low tone, depth perception issues) which make it hard for her to feel mastery on a physical level. She was soaring along ahead, running, beating us all. She felt proud. I was just talking with a friend the other night about how one of the challenges of being a stay at home mom, is never quite feeling a sense of competence or mastery. There are no tangible measurements to go by. Especially with a child on the spectrum. No paycheck at the end of the week. No way to win.
My study of LOA tells me contrast creates expansion. There is a momentum that gathers in a difficult time which propels you forward if you do the work of changing your thoughts, and seeing things differently. Breaking patterns isn’t easy. It is work, it is hard. But not more hard than staying miserable.
If I do the work, (and there a many many processes I can use) I’ll be guided where I need to go to find relief. If I keep focusing on what is, I’ll get more of the same.
So yeah, it’s been a little rough lately. I obviously have some work to do.
Focusing on what I do want.
Appreciating what I have.
Breathing, staying present, sometimes moment by fearful moment.
As much as possible, associating with only postitive people, as if my life depends on it. Because it does.
Asking myself, when I get all worked up about something, “Is this worth dying over?”
Cutting people a break when they “offend” me.
Contacting the right people, when my ego threatens to take the reigns. You know who you are. Thank you.
So many things I can do to feel better. I’ll start right now.
And tonight, for a while, I’ll cuddle up with Riley under her stars.