You’re doing just fine…

Borderline panic has been my baseline as of late. I barely know where I am. I am lost all the time, literally. I have not had to be in rush hour traffic on a major interstate in over a dozen years. BTW…My GPS is not God. My GPS is capable of really screwing me up sometimes. Just figuring out the traffic pattern in the pick-up line at school has my adrenals on DEFCON 5. My body can no longer determine what is truly a crises and what isn’t. It’s high alert, all the time. I know from previous experience this is typical moving stress and it will all calm down soon, when I get my bearings.

Yesterday driving Seth home from his terrific first day of school there was an accident on the Interstate. It took us 75 minutes to crawl home. I thought ahead to bring Seth a snack to eat and some water, thank goodness. The AC in my car conked out (as it is prone to do on only the hottest days) so it was bumper to bumper, super hot, and he’d had a long tiring first day. He started to feel carsick. I put Harry Potter on (book on CD) and told him to hold the ice pack I’d put in with his water against his skin. He did. He made it home. He bounced back quickly. I was a rock in the car, and felt wobbly when I got home.

Last week big issues came up with Riley’s orthodontia. We have to make some decisions that will affect her forever. Since being here I’ve had to deal with several blundering medical professionals who honestly don’t know any better. They know not what they do with their offhand remarks. They don’t think before speaking and scaring/scarring a child (or her mother).

My body is on high alert. High alert!

Where I am? What am I doing? How do I protect my kids? What if we do the wrong thing? What if moving was the wrong thing? My brain careens.

I spent four hours in the car yesterday, parenting duties, picking up forms and what not, and the traffic jam. In my mid-day travels I was listening to a book on my iPod when all of a sudden it switched to music I didn’t recognize, didn’t even know I had on there. It was nuns, singing. I know I must have bought it at some point, but don’t remember ever having played it. Which one of you recommended it? It isn’t something I would generally pick. And there it came on, right in the middle of my book, without even being asked.

The voices of the nuns instantly calmed me, and rather than trying to switch it and get back to the book, (I’m not good at fumbling around with electronics while driving) I let it go. And then after a few minutes, there was another Voice coming from within me and it said,

“You are doing just fine.”

It gave me a lump in my throat.

You are doing just fine. 

You are doing just fine. 

You are doing just fine. 

The negative self-talk and worry can be relentless. But “things have a way of working out,” my grandmother winks in my mind. My spiritual mentor Barbara’s voice goes through my head, saying, “Darling, how is it you can’t see how good you are?”

How can we help each other remember this about ourselves?

The nuns sang me home and as I pulled into our driveway, in perfect timing, the chant/song ended with a beautiful, drawn out,

“Ahhhhhhhhh-men.”

Breathing, breathing,

All is well. It’s all okay.

I’m doing just fine.

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6 Responses to You’re doing just fine…

  1. Michelle O'Neil says:

    I had this post up for a few hours the other day, then took it down because I felt really vulnerable and also couldn’t bear the thought of anyone worrying about me. But I feel like maybe it will help someone else who needs to know they are “doing just fine.” So up it goes. Doing much better now, a few days later.

    Love.

  2. Marlene says:

    After a morning of stressing over my son starting fourth grade on Wednesday (which everyone tells me will be so hard for him), I clicked over to your blog hoping you had a new post.

    I am so glad you posted this. The exact words I need to hear today…and the rest of the week and probably the rest of the school year.

    Thank you!

  3. Tanya Savko says:

    Beautiful post. So glad that song came on for you when it did. I’ve had that happen to me before, for seemingly no reason. But there always is. Indeed, you are doing just fine. Lots of love to all of you (and hope that you get your bearings soon :)

  4. Amber says:

    …lie back, daughter.

    :)

  5. -e- says:

    Each one of those trying, clumsy, days soon after a move is exhausting because you are learning so much. With each day you navigate, you’re exponentially increasing your ability to be more graceful the next day. Sounds like you’re doing just that, but still, nice of the singing nuns to pitch in when you needed them!
    Sending encouragement from the pacific NW ,
    -e-

  6. Meg says:

    You are FINE, in so many ways. I love how the universe sent you singing nuns!