Change of Focus

I’d say I’m about halfway back to my usual self. Not bad for 24 hours.

I’ve been spending hours every day researching the latest treatments for Seth’s PANDAS. I feel like I’m on borrowed time. I fear if we don’t get to the bottom of it there will be long term repercussions. How long can one’s brain be attacked without a price being paid? I’ve been making all our food from scratch, in a tiny kitchen, in the middle of a heat wave. I’ve been taking the supplements in advance of giving them to him, to be the guinea pig, and am going through detox. I love that my kids are at camp, and that I don’t have to work around them making a whole bunch of food every day. But I’m still making a whole bunch of food every day. My kids are growing and like little Pac-men, chomp chomp chomp always hungry. I can barely keep up.

Last evening at dinner, I told the kids I’d had a bad day and explained very briefly/lightly why, and my Riley put her fork down and patted my hand and said, “Mom. I’m sorry you had a bad day. You are a good person.”

The sweetness of her offering comfort to me, well.

My sister called a little later and got the full blubbery treatment. It helped, talking with her.

Take a breathe.

Today while the kids were at camp I took the little dog for a walk. I had a moment of wanting to carry a sign qualifying, “Not my dog. I didn’t pick a Chihuahua.” But then, Yippee was so well behaved and cute and appreciative, smiling as he trotted his little legs so fast. On my walk I decided to lift myself up by looking for signs of abundance.

There was an abundance of sunshine today.

And abundance of cattails on the lake.

And abundance of blue in the sky.

An abundance of leaves on every tree.

An abundance of ripples on the water.

An abundance of health in my body, step after step after step.

An abundance of time in which to walk.

An abundance of stones on the path.

There was an abundance of air to breathe.

There was an abundance of Queen Anne’s Lace in the field.

A heron waited until I was just 15 feet away before taking flight. He flew with an abundance of ease, flapping his wide grey wings.

So much is good and right.

Breath, after breath, after breath,

there is abundance.

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5 Responses to Change of Focus

  1. Carrie Link says:

    Only abundance. No scarcity.


  2. Yes, and there’s always abundance in your writing — your skill, your heart —

    In fact, I’ve left some of MY abundance in a hotel room near Yosemite — your wonderful book that I just finished. I did take a photo and will send to your email — just have to find it!

  3. Alexis Yael says:

    Oh, lovely.

    (I’m especially fond of Queen Anne’s Lace.)

  4. kario says:

    I hope that the abundance soon extends to an abundance of answers for you and Seth. I love your self-awareness and appreciate you sharing your process.


  5. naomi says:

    Breathing with you. xo

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