I Am

Yesterday, while HT was doing my job, I took off out of here like a bat outta’ hell, and saw the movie, I Am. It had been a long stretch of stealing an hour here or there for myself, but not getting a significant chunk of time alone. At 42, I finally, deeply realize the significance of that. I am a person who craves and needs solitude. Lots of it. Some people don’t. I do. That doesn’t make me wrong and it doesn’t make me a bad mother. It makes me a better one than I personally would be otherwise.

I love my friends dearly, and when I see them, I want three hours to have the most wonderful, deep, heartfelt conversations. Tell me everything and don’t leave anything out. But I don’t need to see them everyday or talk on the phone constantly.

I love going to movies by myself. My idea of heaven right now would be me, alone, in a cabin in the woods, and not another person to be seen for a week. I need at least two days before all the pressure melts off, and then I can get down to the nitty gritty of profound conscious contact with nature, with the Source who created me. I attempt to do it at home, but there are always interruptions. One time recently, I was interrupted four times during a twenty minute meditation. The awesome part is I never lost a beat, didn’t get upset. When I first started meditating years ago, that would have triggered me so hard, I would have come screaming out of meditation like a banshee….ironic, no? This time I kept my eyes closed, answered the questions, kept breathing….stayed in the meditative space. The kids are so used to seeing me meditate, they just tiptoed out of the room, (the other interruptions were animals, and they too, just settled down and joined me).  That might have been one of my most successful moments in life. To remain peaceful, while being interrupted four times while meditating.

Anyway….where was I? Oh, yes. I Am.

Great documentary. Fancy schmancy Hollywood director suffers serious head injury, and questions what is important in life. Changes everything. We’ve been led to believe in a “survival of the fittest” mentality, when in reality cooperation is the order of the day.

One of the things that sticks with me, was a point they made about indigenous cultures, and consumerism. In most indigenous cultures, if a person took more than they needed, it would be considered a form of mental illness. For instance…, if a lion attacked a whole slew of antelope, rather than the one he needed for dinner, wouldn’t that be odd? Wouldn’t he be a little “off?”

I got home from the movie feeling better than when I left. Todd had kabobs on the grill. We had a nice dinner. I have to admit, I do take some satisfaction in the fact that he is bone tired by the end of the evening, after doing “my job” for a day.

I appreciate his willingness to do it, and I look forward to that cabin in the woods retreat I swear I’m gonna do one day.

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6 Responses to I Am

  1. Heather says:

    I can so relate to everything you’ve said here…I don’t sneak off to fill my need for solitude NEARLY enough. Maybe I will-today.

  2. Amanda says:

    Oh to be ME! Not mum, not wife, not all the other parts of me, just me. That is a basic need indeed.

    I saw an ad in the estate agent window today for a property about an hour maybe less from us that had “access by foot or 4 wheel drive vehicle only” and it went down to the loch shore too. Tempting…. and when you add in the kids could still go to the same school? VERY tempting!!

  3. amber says:

    There is something the astrologer I like says often about Virgos (which I am, and have five big planets in). He says that Virgos are great in relationships, but really should have a duplex situation. Our space, and MY space. Yes. THAT is so spot on for me.

    :)

  4. Carrie Link says:

    Love Amber’s comment. My dream living situation involves a duplex, too. I have I AM on my To Do list, thanks for the nudge. And take an A on the meditation!

  5. kario says:

    I am amazed at your ability to remain calm when interrupted during meditation. I lost it the other day when the girls came to get me five minutes into a 30-minute workout because they were fighting. You are my hero.

    I love the notion that taking more than you need right now signals something is amiss. It’s the truth. When I think about people I know buying massive amounts of toothpaste or moisturizers because “it’s a bargain,” I always wonder…what’s going on there?

  6. Dawn says:

    Just noting that you asked the universe for solitude….and exactly 2 days later your beautiful children prance down the street to play with a friend…and leave you, with solitude.