So off we go into a new year. It feels like a big one.
HT is changing. He’s kind of stepping into himself. Figuring some things out. I won’t go into detail, because it is his stuff, but it’s good. A little frightening at times, but good.
Then there is the fact that we will begin homeschooling Riley in, oh, four days. Seth is seriously leaning in the direction of joining us. At first he wanted no part of it. He loves recess and his friends at school. But as we’ve been making plans, preparing curriculum, he’s been walking around with a wrinkled forehead, fretting about not wanting to miss any of the fun we’ll be having at home. He’s a wreck. We finally had to tell him, “Mommy and Daddy will decide.” He seemed relieved not to have to make such a heavy decision. But now we have to! Part of me thinks it would be great to start with just Riley, one on two (Todd is home ’til 12:30 each day to help). Kind of get our rhythm. The other part feels like if we’re going to homeschool, we’d better be a homeschooling family and get our feet firmly planted in one world and not go back and forth between the two. It will be an easier transition for Riley if she doesn’t have to pick Seth up at school everyday. But Seth has a lovely teacher this year, and he’s doing really well.
As parents, do we ever know anything for sure?
Some feel they do.
I know one woman who with absolute conviction, “beats her kid’s ass” for serious transgressions.
She’s not wondering if it’s okay. Or if there is a better way. Or worried about what people think of her. Or terrified about the effects of her parenting on her child’s future.
How does she do that?
I worry about everything. Not just the kids either. I worry about telling the truth. Is it okay to say what I think? Even if others don’t agree? Even if it pisses someone off? Is it brave or is it just asking for trouble? Is it attracting more of what I don’t want? I’ve had experiences of saying or writing what I thought only to face painful backlashes. Sometimes later the person thanks me, but not always. I’ve taken a whole lot of heat in the truth telling process in my life. Sometimes I just stay quiet, but that feels suffocating and cowardly. I hope to get more clear on this in the new year. When do you speak up? When do you walk away. Who gives a rip what I think anyway? When are things just none of my business? Then, isn’t that the point of relationship and of writing? To toss ideas around and say what you think, and learn from the interactions?
I need to seriously lighten up.
Who cares if I make mistakes?
Who cares if I piss people off?
Who cares if I beat my kid’s ass? KIDDING!
I’m not going to beat my kid’s ass.
Aha! Finally, something, I know for sure!
It’s a start.
Happy New Year to all of you who ponder with me.